This is an excerpt from a larger list, where I give various activities a Sober Fun rating of 1-10. Entries from this list are scattered throughout my website, or you can find that complete list HERE.

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THE GYM (YOUR CHOICE): 10

Here are all my thoughts on "The Gym." I'm capitalizing it here because I want to talk about all gyms collectively as a concept, not one in particular, or even a specific chain of gyms. I've been a member at so many over the years, that they all kind of run together in my mind anyways.

I almost forgot to include it here as a sober activity, because to me it’s just “that place I go every day,” the same as all other necessary but ultimately unmemorable errands. I also frequently go to the gas station, the grocery store, and the ATM, but I don’t plan to include them here, either.

However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the gym is special to me. It is my home away from home, and always has been. It is the place where I consistently have some of my best ideas, it is a place where I met my first serious boyfriend (so clearly a place where I also have some bad ideas), and it is a place where everything basically stays the same. No matter where you are in the world, a gym can act as a familiar constant. Even in Italy, where my gym was located inside an old historical castle (they have lots of castles there, so they just turned one of the lesser ones into a gym, go figure), it was still filled with all the same familiar weights and machines. Sure, they were all in kilograms, but you figure that out pretty quick, when you can’t even do a single curl with the one labeled 25. So, different numbers, but the equipment still functions about the same, and weights are still roughly the same sizes. In fact, gym people are basically the same as well, regardless of where you are on the globe.

There are always a few men lifting way more weight than they should be, and lifting it incorrectly. My thought is always— if you’re not going to bother with the appropriate amount of weight, the correct form, or any proper weightlifting techniques, why even waste money on a gym membership? Just go move things around in the world at large. Join a moving company and get paid to lift things incorrectly, or just try picking up random things around the town like golf carts or large dogs.

Next, there are always going to be groups of teenagers, who insist on working out in big, unwieldy, clumps. It’s how they do everything. You know how there’s Gap and then Baby Gap? I wish we could go one step further with the clumping, and just clump them all in their own separate gym. Teen Gym. I find them maddening. Eventually they'll figure out how much gym time can be shaved off when you don’t have to wait for five of your buddies to do a set before it’s your turn again. Trust me, guys, it’s mind-blowing.

Then there are women who come to the gym in full evening makeup. I’ve found that these women are usually working out at least, which is more than I can say for some, but they have clearly come to the gym looking to pick up more than just some weights. I guess someone told them how much men love women who leave their sweaty makeup all over the machines.

Then there are the old men who, although ostensibly dressed as if they were going to work out, have really come here just to yell small talk at each other. This is their conversation hour, and I doubt most of them would even notice if one day the gym just replaced all the exercise machines with chairs. I always find these old men alternately irritating and amusing, depending on which machines they have chosen to roost on.

Every gym also has a few men who are doing the exact opposite, men who are working out hard and loud and constantly. This is an especially veiny breed of man who is always at the gym, regardless of what time of day you show up, and who has long since given up any pretense that he isn’t on steroids. For those of you unfamiliar with steroids, the way I understand it, steroids are drugs that help you to work out much more loudly than everyone else, and in a way that encourages everyone in the gym to please look at you.

Frequently, but not always, this breed of Steroid Man can be one in the same as another notorious gym staple, The Chalk Man. This is a man who has inexplicably brought tons and tons of chalk powder to the gym. Hey Buddy, whatcha doin' with all that messy chalk, huh?

It is often unclear why he has brought all this chalk, but thankfully this breed of person is growing exceedingly rare. The ones who do still bring it, however, seem to be bringing enough for the whole gym. And they get it all over everything. I feel like a crime scene investigator, able to reenact the final moments leading up to a murder. “You can see from the chalk residue that the victim started out here, on this machine, before moving on to this one and this one, where he then proceeded to touch all the free weights with his chalk-covered fingers over here…. The trail then runs cold, but it eventually picks back up in the locker room, where he was assuredly bludgeoned to death by the janitorial staff, who have had to clean up all his stupid chalk powder, scattered across the gym every f*cking day.

Another much less irritating but still amusing type of person that you will find in gyms the world over are The Notebookers. These are people who I can only assume have very recently started their exercise journey, and have been erroneously told that exercise consists of only about 5% weight lifting, but about 95% documenting it in a tiny little notebook. Writing, writing, writing, these folks, always so much writing. What could they possibly be writing? “Dear gym diary: today I monopolized the only rear delt machine in the entire gym for about 10 whole minutes longer than necessary, thanks to me furiously writing god knows what in my tiny little notebook in between each and every set. Also, you’re almost out of milk at home and maybe Josephine might make a good baby name? (Question mark, question mark, big bubble heart…)

Speaking of documentation, in recent years another whole tribe of people have started showing up at the gym, and these are the guys (and gals) who are, for whatever reason, videotaping their workouts with their phones. Many of the vloggers see no problem whatsoever with setting up a wee tripod next to the area they are in, and one lady at my Rowlett location even regularly sets up a nice ring light right next to her. To me, this does not signify that these are fancy people with an important vlog to maintain, it indicates to me that these are inconsiderate assholes who are about to monopolize one particular area of the gym for an inordinate amount of time. “Other gym members be damned, I’m a royal dick!” I assume might be the name of their vlog.

There are many other people I could describe, but I suspect they are less of a gym stereotype, and more unique to my gym only. But maybe not.

There is a guy who takes off his shirt at some point during his work out each day, and every day has to be told by a staff member that he can’t do that, LA Fitness isn’t that kind of gym.

There is a woman who comes exclusively to do handstands each day, and I wonder that she can’t just do that at home? Save some gas? But if I could do a handstand and walk around on my hands like she does, I’d probably crave an audience too.

This one I know is a my-gym-only situation: There is a man who mimics the loving embrace of a partner, whilst practicing ballroom dancing, alone, in one of the empty racket ball courts. And yes, watching him through the glass of his little soundproof enclosure, slowly waltzing with his hand around the waist of an invisible partner, is just as surreal as it sounds. I wonder if he has his own music in there, or if he’s just dancing asynchronously to the generic techno music that’s always pumping throughout the gym? I find him brave in theory, but creepy in practice.

There's also a man who I assume to have a form of Tourette’s, and every minute or so, he makes a loud, high pitched yelping noise. He is consistent but still surprising, like a smoke alarm that needs its battery changed.

And finally, there is my favorite gym member, an elderly man who wears shorts so short that I regularly can see his… ahem, exercise balls. As the owner of a pair myself, I find it hard to believe that this old man can’t immediately FEEL IT when his testicles have flopped out and are making contact with the cold hard surface of a pleather gym seat, and yet, here we are. This happens so frequently that I could probably describe them to you, in amazingly accurate detail. Even to a police sketch artist, if that was ever needed.

Who knows why the police would be at the gym, but if it’s to outline a dead body, and they’ve forgotten their chalk, I know just who to ask. I bet he has enough chalk to outline 100 dead bodies. Or if the police need someone to interview for the nightly news, I know just where to find that, too. Let me introduce you to a few of these women in full makeup, trust me, they are camera-ready! Especially if we just grab this vlogging woman’s ring light…. There. Perfect!

I don’t know any of these people’s names, or anything about them, other than what I’m able to cobble together from seeing them at the gym. In fact, most of these people I’ve never even heard speak! I imagine what their voices might sound like, though, and sometimes even assign them various fun accents, based on what I know. The chalk guy is German, by the way. I’ve created whole backstories for these people, especially for some of the more boring ones who are just there to quietly exercise in an appropriate manner. They’re the ones you’ve got to watch out for! Spies, all of them, I tell you!

I wonder if any of these gym people have done the same thing for me? We all see each other so regularly, that especially when I’m living somewhere far away from home, it often occurs to me that I get to see my cast of gym characters much more frequently than I do my own friends and family. So, it makes sense that I’d want to flesh them out.

During Covid, if a new person I’d never seen before showed up, and they always wore a mask, then my brain had no choice but to fill in the rest of their face. No problem! Hey— my brain had long since been filling in make-believe information about almost every person here! But I will say, when the masks came off, if my mental facial constructions are any indication of my accuracy, than I don’t think most of these people are half as interesting as I’ve made them out to be. For example, I realized once the masks were off, that my brain had just given everyone the benefit of the doubt, and made the rest of their faces super smokin’ hot and sexy.

This was… not accurate.

Unfortunately.

So I don’t expect my backstories to be very close to the truth either.

(Except for the old man with the testicles. He’s hiding something, I just know it! Sadly, it’s not the two things we all wish he’d keep hidden, but hey; what are you going to do…)

I know there is nothing inherently EXTREME or exciting or even particularly interesting about most gyms, but this is my list, and so “The Gym,” as a generic concept, gets a Sober Fun rating of 9. It’s fun and it’s cheap.

Seriously, for someone who goes to the gym almost every single day, a gym membership is insanely affordable. I’d go so far to say it is probably the best deal in town, and certainly one of the best investments you’ll make in your life. Plus, you can stay as long or as little as you like each day, and you can always up and leave the very second it stops being fun. You can work out in solitude, or you can make it a social event and meet people, depending on your mood. If you don’t know what to do, hire a trainer or take a class. Maybe you like to swim? You’re in luck, it’s rare to find a gym that doesn’t have a pool!

And don’t get me started on how convenient it is to have access to multiple showers and lockers dotted all over the metroplex! I wouldn’t risk storing a camera or lenses there, and I know you’re not really supposed to store anything there overnight, but I keep emergency supplies in several lockers at several gym locations around town, and frequently, I will swing by the gym just to use their shower. Almost all of my photo shoots are outside, and during a Texas summer, this means I am inevitably going to get very hot and sweaty. Usually dirty, too.

But not to worry, my gym has locations all over Dallas, nay, the country! No time to drive all the way back home or back to your hotel just to shower before your next appointment? Not a problem! Just swing by the gym! Whichever one is closest to your shoot! This little hack was truly a lifesaver, especially when I lived in Los Angeles. And if I mapped it out and timed it just right, I could even position my gym-time to perfectly overlap the worst of rush hour traffic each day!

You know what? I love nationwide gym chains and have suddenly decided that they get a SF rating of 10. F*ck it.

Any business model that is based around getting people to sign up, but then not actually come, deserves some props in my book. If everyone actually came to the gym as much as they thought they would when they joined, the gym business model would collapse in on itself. Can you think of any other business where it benefits the company to have less customers show up each day?

It’s an interesting concept, right? I guess it’s kind of like a bank, where it only functions so long as everyone’s doesn’t show up wanting to cash in all at once. But unlike a bank, the customers who do show up to the gym every day have got to be the worst of the worst. Can you imagine being an employee there? The customers you’d see the most are going to be the crazy ones, the people who have made themselves so much at home that they feel comfortable doing f*cked up things like bringing chalk, taking off their shirts on the treadmill, and dancing with invisible people.

Or showing up covered in sweat and mud, just to use the showers.

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Next, why not read my thoughts about BIKING, HIKING, or if you're lame, RECUMBENT BIKING.